Deviant Login Shop
 Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconmikkimarie: More from MikkiMarie


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
February 26
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
1,476 (1 today)
Favourites
137 (who?)
Comments
23
×
A gown of silk, flowing as a stream,
Her footsteps so gentle, perhaps she was a dream,
As he crouches near bushes to glare at the unseen,
And she danced like  ballerina.

Her fingers combed her golden hair,
A perfect lady who didn't care
To see the man that would never dare
To touch a ballerina.

But desire grew, and patience died,
As a lovely girl danced before his eyes,
So he buried his heart, pulled out a knife,
And tickled the ballerina.

She fought his hands, in fear of death,
A dirty blade sinking through her chest,
For he would never settle for something less,
As she screamed,
She cried,
She took her final breath...

And the wind grew calm, barely blowing on the stream.
Her voice so quiet (perhaps it was a dream).
As he closes his eyes, cradling his queen...

His beautiful ballerina.
So yeah. Haha =P creepy stuff man, creepy stuff.

Comments are appreciated <3 Love you all!
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmirajane-satansoul:
The story itself is beautiful, and you really have to think to figure it out. I take it as it was written literally; an assassin who fell in love with his target, but was forced to shut away his feelings so that he might complete his job. The fact that the target is a ballerina just adds to the imagery you have created :)
The only thing that I would say somewhat hinders the flow of the poem is the rhyming. the pattern is fine, I understand it as being:
A
A
A
B
yes? it's just that the number of syllables in each 'A' line do not match up with each other, so it does not really roll well, if you know what I mean.
That said, all in all I think you've done an excellent job and I will be adding this to my favorites. <3
~ice-chan
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
19 out of 20 deviants thought this was fair.

:icondog-on-the-floor:
it's a beautiful story, i love it. it's unique and strange, without the everyday happy ending.
my suggestion would be to make it more intense. i got a lot of emotion from it, but that could've been because i thought deeply about it while reading it. maybe adding a little more tension or using some more intense language would help the poem live and breath on it's own, without the reader digging for it.
the rhyme and meter pattern worked really well, i love how the whole thing flowed. i also like the ending of ballerina each time for the first few stanzas.
loved it over all, the rhyme and meter pattern are a nice touch, and the story was beautiful.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconricardo-orozco:
Ricardo-Orozco Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
everything you write is a masterpiece !:)
Reply
:iconevettejo:
evettejo Featured By Owner May 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Didn't know you wrote these anymore. Nice change of pace. A creepy change of pace.. but good. 
Reply
:iconwhatchingowlofsouls:
whatchingOwlofsouls Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2014   General Artist
wow, that's so amazing. its so deep
Reply
:iconlunahunter:
LunaHunter Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2014
So in short good job.
Reply
:iconlunahunter:
LunaHunter Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2014
Kind of reminds me of something Edgar Allen Poe would write, except if he did it would be a lot longer.
Reply
:iconauthorkatieolson:
AuthorKatieOlson Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2014  Student Writer
That is delicously creepy and I enjoyed reading it. :) I like how you employed your imagery and the emotions of possession. 

I hope that's constructive commentary. :eager: by darkmoon3636 
Reply
:icontarzok:
Tarzok Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2014
:clap::clap::clap:
Reply
:iconchalicetheif:
ChaliceTheif Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2014  Student General Artist
Amazing! Creepy, sweet, subtle, and just a tiny bit demented (in a good way). :D Love it~~!!!! :D :D :D
Reply
:iconmattlillie:
MattLillie Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful poem
Reply
:iconreverseimaku:
ReverseImaku Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2014  Student General Artist
"tickled"

interesting choice of word. May I ask why you used it instead of a much more intense and negative word?
Reply
Add a Comment: