Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
Daddy, please don't touch me.
It doesn't feel good.
It makes me feel..
Naughty.

Daddy, please don't hit me.
I didn't mean to disappoint you.
When you hit me, it makes me feel...
Bad.

Daddy, please don't hurt her.
Mommy didn't do anything.
When you hit her, it makes me feel..
Mad.

Daddy, please don't say you love me.
I know you're lying.
When you say you still want me, it makes me feel...
Sad.

Daddy, please stop screaming at her.
You already killed her.
When you scream at her, it makes me feel..
Angry.

Daddy, stay there.
Let me sink the knife into your throat.
When you bleed, it makes me feel..
Alive.

Daddy, aren't you happy now?
As you lie there, lifeless.
I'm only following your footsteps.
This makes me feel...
Happy.

Daddy, please listen.
I know you can't hear me, but...
I still love you.

The same way you always loved me.

And it makes me feel...

Good, Daddy.
It makes me feel..
Good.
I don't really like this one. But I decided to post it since it's one of my poems that ISN'T about labels or stereotypes =P
Comments and critiques?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconcandy-zombies-unite:
This poem is a concetration of pure emotion. There are many out there that will find a connection between your writing and how they really feel. It shows the simplicity but complex nature of a child, or even a grown person's inner child. The repition gives it emphasis, and there is no possible way to read this without feeling at least the slightest of tugs to the hearststrings. (Even grumpy cat would feel something from this, even without admitting it) The way it sounds just reading it, in a child's voice, just makes it impossible to stop reading and leaving the reader to think quite truthfully.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
57 out of 58 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconbaby8855:
baby8855 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
No child should have to feel such pain. People that hurt children deserve what they get.
Reply
:iconaveryfriendlychair:
AVeryFriendlyChair Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2013
How lovely. c:
Reply
:icon99fluffball:
99fluffball Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
....did you kill someone you loved....
Reply
:iconthatgirlmadeofcandy:
Thatgirlmadeofcandy Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I like the this series of poems it floods my mind with ideas to think of things i do write i need to know more of writing this poem sounds like a child with an unloving father of the way it's thoght it makes a nice thing that you can't stop honestly it's myterious
Reply
:iconmeginn:
Meginn Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
The way you made this sound like a child, but also made it cut deep is amazing. I love your work :heart:
Reply
:iconseizu-sha:
Seizu-sha Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
The story behind it is pretty deep, though it doesn't quite fel like a poem. I don't know why. Guess it doesn't really rime well.
But still it's quite impressive.
Reply
:iconshadow0071:
shadow0071 Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2013
so sweet and pure. they sound amazingly similar to how children think, sounds somat like what i said when i was younger, except i didnt kill my dad XD
Reply
:iconmelodygirl74:
Melodygirl74 Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
so many comments on here about it being it creepy or a bad thing to write buts its not... its just the truth
Reply
:iconcupcakecarmen123:
CupcakeCarmen123 Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
sheesh. thats not creepy at all.
Reply
:iconaloeverakill:
AloeVeraKill Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Wow..... This reminds me of a story where the dad raised the kid to be a killer.
Reply
:iconamberamuawesome:
amberamuawesome Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm sorry, I get how this person would feel if it was true, but it feels so...messed up. And it's even sadder because this happens a lot in real life.
Reply
:iconlittlesister102:
LittleSister102 Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I know it dosen't affect the writing at all, but is the child male or female?
And by the way, this is really, really amazing! You have so much talent!
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
She's a female :)
Thanks a ton!
Reply
:iconbreathinbreathout:
breathinbreathout Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013   Writer
HOLY.... this is good
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Aw thanks! :D
Reply
:iconshadyhero175:
ShadyHero175 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
Great work! But how old is the daughter?
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I was thinking really young, like around 5 or 6 years old or so.
I know, the father could just fight back since she's so young, but it's supposed to be creepy, not logical =P
Reply
:iconwolves09492:
wolves09492 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
this story sould like some in my class her dad hurt her and was drunk a lot but they never die she was all most put in forster care becouse of her dad
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
sad :(
Reply
:iconwolves09492:
wolves09492 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
it is she moved scools idk safe now her dad was a jerk to even me when i went over i did not fell safe then she toold me what her dad dose to her he would get really mad at me for nothing i hope her dad is happyer person now and she is safe with all her family
Reply
:iconvictorhugo:
VictorHugo Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
good writing, itīs a shame that some people had to go through some of these things. itīs also a shame when the son is the victimizer.
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you <3
Reply
:iconphant94:
Phant94 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
wow..it actually scared me alot...domestic violence is terrible thing...I hope that you didnt have to go through it..i hope that its just from fantasy this poem...but its great poem...keep up !
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm sorry!
Don't worry, it's all 100% made up. :)
Thank you so much <3
Reply
:iconphant94:
Phant94 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
dont be sorry :) your poem is perfect in its own way :) and im glad that its made up and you are welcome :D
Reply
:iconwolfen107:
Wolfen107 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
kjfkjdgfkv

Sounds like my past if it were to have continued. ; o;

Ilubit.
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
D: I'm sorry!!
Reply
:iconwolfen107:
Wolfen107 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Don't be. xD
It's the past~

I love your work asdfghjkl; <3
Reply
:iconaubunlights:
AubunLights Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist
Very nice just the first two lines caught my attention so sad, real, and heartfelt.
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Aw thanks :)
Reply
:iconaubunlights:
AubunLights Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Hobbyist
Welcome :D
Reply
:iconangellove94:
angellove94 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013   Writer
this is really good
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thanks. :)
Reply
:iconangellove94:
angellove94 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013   Writer
ur welcome dear:D u been thorugh alot and ur such a strong young 13 year olf girl<3 and i will alway be there for u and love u
Reply
:iconmy-name-is-totoro:
my-name-is-totoro Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I can relate to this a lot, actually. Very striking poem you have here!
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! <3
Reply
:iconthepandagamer:
Thepandagamer Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
This sent shivers down my spine. Wow
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Aww dear thank you :)
Reply
:iconartsytiger:
ArtsyTiger Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is super disturbing but beautifully written. I like the repetition, ending each verse with an emotion.
Also your signature is hilarious :)
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Aw thank you :)
And haha, thanks xD
Reply
:icongrimdarkelusive:
GrimdarkElusive Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
I love this. 0_0

I shouldn't but I do. XD

It's just....So creepy, and so awesome...
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
xD thank you!
Reply
:iconfalitna:
falitna Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
O.e
This is both ominous and strangely relatable at the same time. So erm, lovely job. *coughI'mgonnahavenightmaresnow* <3
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
hehe :3 thank you!
Reply
:iconshadow19967:
shadow19967 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Professional Writer
Meep. Creepy.
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Muahaha (:<
Hehe, thank you! :D
Reply
:iconshadow19967:
shadow19967 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Professional Writer
Np but its kind creepy though. Do you do happy things? Like rainbows? Happiness. That kinda stuff? Did you make that up or is it.....
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
i made it up, dont worry. =P
and I have troubles doing happiness...
Reply
:iconshadow19967:
shadow19967 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Professional Writer
Ok. I was worried for a sec. Why? It cant be that hard. Need help? A boy walks through the park. He sees the love of his lofe. He walks over but trips and falls on his face. He looks up she is there. She helps him up and notices his heart is racing. She pulls him in for a kiss that lasted an enterinty but it also was to short for the two lovers. Now they are not lonely. Through fire, death, pain, suffrienf and torment, they will always have each other.
Reply
:iconfireprincess97:
FirePrincess97 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Children copy their parents all the time.

I know from annoying-baby-brother experience, grrr...
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconmikkimarie: More from MikkiMarie


Featured in Collections

Writing by Kassy2twin

Poems and such by Caro-Kitty


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
February 24, 2013
File Size
1.2 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
3,439
Favourites
153 (who?)
Comments
51
×