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Submitted on
January 16, 2013
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There sits the girl with the things in her eyes
Monsters, destruction, and sweet butterflies
Hopscotch and daisies, surrounded by screams
Beautiful dresses now torn at the seams
Crayons and paintbrushes, villains and grins
Young, gladsome innocence, hatred and sins
Little red houses on roads left to fade
Gorgeous moonlight shining off of the blade
Blood pouring out as she cries her own name
Knowing she's forced to take each bit of blame
She could have stopped it and left it behind
All of these things in her troubled young mind
She could have saved them if she dared to try
Rather, though, she left herself there to die.
Now, others watch as she sits on the ground
Keeping their distance and letting her drown
In her own worries and things she won't tell
Waiting for her mind to kill her as well…
I posted this before, twice i think. But i decided to post it again 'cause i love it :3
comment and i promise to respond! :)
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:iconpancake84:
pancake84 Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
awww :( it sounds like she was being abused, so the more she died within her self, the more it numbed the outer pain.
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:iconlanat35:
LanaT35 Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013
I didn't know the sadness was a ratting. Love for your poem. Sadness for how it makes me feel.
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:iconlanat35:
LanaT35 Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013
Wow. This makes me worry about you. Is this just a poem or is it about you?
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:iconreniraiero:
ReniraIero Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
O.O
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:iconadxlynn:
adxlynn Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I can't describe it....but I know that I like this poem.
Reply
:icontwisted-curiosity:
Twisted-Curiosity Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2013  Student
Last line= Me
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:iconzbee8:
Zbee8 Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013  Student General Artist
is it wrong that i relate?
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:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No way is that wrong! <3 Thank you!
Reply
:iconzbee8:
Zbee8 Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2013  Student General Artist
hahahhaha welcome
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:iconinside-our-mind:
inside-our-mind Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:(
What's sad is that this reminds me of one of my friends...
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:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm sorry :(
Reply
:iconinside-our-mind:
inside-our-mind Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
It's okay. All is well now
Reply
:iconneonunicorns:
Neonunicorns Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013  Hobbyist Filmographer
your poetry is awesome
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh thank you! <3
Reply
:iconbreathinbreathout:
breathinbreathout Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013   Writer
loveeee hanns idk why i just rele do love it :)
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Tank chu :3
Reply
:iconxaiedail:
xAiedail Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I really love this. And it deserves a fave. :blackrose:

It also reminds me of Alice Madness Returns. :)
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh thank you so much! :)
Reply
:iconxaiedail:
xAiedail Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No problem really. I rarely come across pieces like this nowadays. :)
Reply
:icondompteurloup:
DompteurLoup Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I really like the darkness of it. It seems a bit sadistic: always something I love :)
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so very very much <3
Reply
:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Professional Writer
Very good poem! I promise my critique below is only because I like the poem and see how much you love it and want to help. I understand and respect if you don't want to make any edits, but I want to offer it anyway in case you are open to suggestions on your work.


10
10
10
10
10
10
10
10
10
Knowing she's forced to take each bit of blame
She could have stopped it and left it behind
10
10
Rather, though, she left herself there to die.
10
10
10
Waiting for her mind to kill her as well…

Obviously you've done your math well. :) The lines I left above are 10 syllables as well, but I think they lose the iambic pentameter a bit and are worth reworking. The first one: "Knowing she's forced" reads as the first part of the line before the prepositional phrase(s), so the line reads very 4 + 6 instead of a smoother 5 + 5 or 2 + 2 + 2 + 2 + 2. The second one I'm not sure what feels uneasy about it, can't pinpoint it offhand. It might just be because the 10 lines before it are all one sentence and then this one shows up and feels jarring all of a sudden, especially without a period after "blame" in the line before it. The third one is another meter issue, obviously has the 10 syllables but this one's a 2 + 1 + 7. Reads choppy. And the last one's issue lies in the 2-syllable word waiting. If it started with "She waits" instead of "waiting", it'd read smoother.
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:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, some actual critique.. thank you so much!
Reply
:iconsqueaky-squishy:
Squeaky-Squishy Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013
I love this. Its amazing! Well done :) so beautiful.
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:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so very much <3
Reply
:iconsqueaky-squishy:
Squeaky-Squishy Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013
:) <3
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:iconvongola-mistguardian:
I love this :D
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:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much!!
Reply
:iconmoondewfluff:
Moondewfluff Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were writing the story of my life...
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh i am (:< Muahaha.
I mean..sorry..XD
Reply
:iconmoondewfluff:
Moondewfluff Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
It's alright. Starclan knows I could use a laugh or two.

Alright, so my "life" isn't that bad, but it sure as hell could be a lot better.
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