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Submitted on
February 22, 2013
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There sits the girl with the things in her eyes
Monsters, destruction, and sweet butterflies
Hopscotch and daisies, surrounded by screams
Beautiful dresses now torn at the seams
Crayons and paintbrushes, villains and grins
Young, gladsome innocence, hatred and sins
Little red houses on roads left to fade
Gorgeous moonlight shining off of the blade
Blood pouring out as she cries her own name
Knowing she's forced to take each bit of blame
She could have stopped it and left it behind
All of these things in her troubled young mind
She could have saved them if she dared to try
Rather, though, she left herself there to die.
Now, others watch as she sits on the ground
Keeping their distance and letting her drown
In her own worries and things she won't tell
Waiting for her mind to kill her as well…
THIRD TIME I'M POSTING THIS. O_O
because..
i want people to really read it.
comments please?
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:iconladyofthewrittenword:
I am sorry. This started out with such promise, but then took a turn and spiraled downward from there. This is mediocre at best and something I've heard before about thirty different ways. The point of poetry is to take an older idea (because ultimately, NO idea is original anymore), and make it into something new; do something with it that no one has seen or heard before. You failed to create something new with this poem. It has promise. Just rework it and try again. Never give up on a poem. It can always be fixed if you look at it again.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
16 out of 52 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconfuckyourselfx3:
The sound of the rhyme scheme of this piece is catchy, the beginning drawed me in.

The only time the words seem a little pressed into the lines are at "Little red houses on roads left to fade
Gorgeous moonlight shining off of the blade
Blood pouring out as she cries her own name
Knowing she's forced to take each bit of blame".

When it gets to the end the message gets a little blurry and a little of the impact gets lost, because of the overly dramatic end.

The technique used is a proof of great skills.

It's a subject many people have written similar stuff about, but still it's fun to read and keeps one in to stay til the very end.

(I just wouldn't put it into the category free verse-I mean it still has a very clear rhyme scheme and rhythm.)
What do you think?
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66 out of 71 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconsasurealian:
Sasurealian Feb 27, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Omg so impacting. I can see a child tearing apart a flower as she sits on the sidewalk by a park. Her expression is stoic and she says not a word. Ugh, it makes me want to cry because you painted such a great imagine in all of our heads. Great job!
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:iconcheekieb:
I felt like I could relate
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:icondarkcloudassasin:
DarkCloudAssasin Feb 26, 2013  Student Writer
This is really well written :) very beautiful work
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:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Feb 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Aw thank you <3
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:icondemisven:
DemiSven Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
ahhh I really liked this reminds me of coralline somehow!!
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:iconpalesile:
palesile Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Third time posting it? Was there not enough attention the first two? Come on now! There's no positive message in this poem, so don't pretend like you're desperately trying to move people. You want the personal attention, that much is clear. And you're getting it. I'm sure you can do better than this though. Especially if you really enjoy writing. This just sounds immature at this point because it doesn't sound personal, I don't feel any connection. You do have writing skills but you keep delving into these subjects that are overdone by you. If you really want to make an impact about self harm or disorders you need to stop with this stereotypical crap. You have skill, you're a good writer, you have great diction. But the overall things you're putting together are so unoriginal and annoying! Darling, you have the drive, dig deeper. This generalized stuff isn't cutting it.
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:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I write what i feel, and that's what i was doing here.
Sorry if i came across that way... I truly didn't mean to offend anyone and i apologize that i did.
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:iconpalesile:
palesile Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm sorry for being harsh, don't let it bring you down. I just believe that with your skills you could do a lot better than this. Think 'original' - force yourself deeper into your feelings because I know you could probably come up with something that isn't so stereotypical.
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:iconmack0312:
mack0312 Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is beautiful. I love it :happycry:
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