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Submitted on
February 25, 2013
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One dose of glitter can light up the world
One little thought can bring back little girls
Fairies and dragons and strong, worthy knights
One dose of glitter can shine through the night

Hush, little girl, for the stars in the sky
Shining so sweetly like your stunning eyes

Don't let the nightmares define what you'll be
Notice the beauty within every dream

Hush, little girl, there is no need to fight…
One dose of glitter to light up the night.
a happy poem attempt. :P
comments and critiques?
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:iconzmb216:
I guess I'll start with the good? I really enjoyed the upbeat air this poem had. You not only attempted to write a happy poem, you succeeded in writing a spirit lifting piece. I genuinely smiled when I finished reading this.
Your lines flowed well, and the slightly faster pace of the first stanza set up a fairy-tale like quality that melded remarkably well into a lullaby at the end.

Now what I think could be improved... In the final two lines of the first stanza, where you use night and knight, I feel as though it clashes heavily with the rest of the piece. You went smoothly from line one to line two, but lines three and four are rough on the senses. Although I could read that the words were separate they disrupted the flow of the entire stanza. I'd personally have tried something like 'One dose of glitter can shine on your life' or 'One dose of glitter can shine through the light', but that's just me.

All in all it was a very well written and fulfilling piece and I enjoyed it quite a bit.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
13 out of 13 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconletheh:
letheH Featured By Owner May 19, 2013
I also think there was something wrong With line 3 and 4. maybe you could just leave out one of these sentences, or maybe switch one of them out With something else.. I don't think that those sentences really have to rhyme, since there is not that much rhyme in the rest of the poem. If you were to leave out one of the sentences though, I think it must have been the fourth... because otherwise every sentence in the first verse would have started With the same Word (one), and this might be little bit different from the rest of the poem..

But if you want the two last sentences to rhyme, maybe it could look something like this? : S I mainly just swiched out the Words "one" and "glitter". since, if the rest of the poem doesn't have that much repeating of Words, i don't think there should be that much of it in the first verse eather.

One dose of glitter can light up the world
One little thought can bring back little girls
Fairies and dragons and Knights
Just a small little dose can shine through the night

I hope this wasn't to much critique, because it was a nice poem, and I agree in most of the things that Zmb216 mentioned :).

poetry is after my opinion, about expressiong yourself, taking chances, twisting and turning the rules and in the end create something that no one else can. So I don't really think there are any "RULES" that have to be followed, you just kind of have to find Your own way. And my POINT is.... :P I think, that.. don't always take other Peoples criticism too seriously. "rules" can be bended and twisted and wathever so... : p
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:iconeraven77:
ERaven77 Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You keep doing it. Yeah that makes more sense..
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:iconeraven77:
ERaven77 Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Wow you keep doing. Do you spend all your time at it??
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:iconsilverscreams999:
SilverScreams999 Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013
i like how you said it was an attempt
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:iconrocky-loves-emily:
rocky-loves-emily Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I love this, I feel so optimistic about life now.
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:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
awww i'm glad! <3
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:iconjoangitano:
JoanGitano Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
memorizing ....
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:icontempladrawer:
TemplaDrawer Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Student Writer
Beautiful poem! I really like how you wrote this! :heart:
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:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
oh thank you dear! :)
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:icontempladrawer:
TemplaDrawer Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Student Writer
You're very welcome sweetie! :hug:
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