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August 28, 2013
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Dear mommy…
I could have saved you.
I know you promised me you’d save yourself,
But I should have known you were lying.

I could have protected you.
I know you said you were fine,
But I should have been able to see all the tears behind your eyes…

The lies, I should have seen straight through them,
I should have known better than to believe you,
I should have known better.
Mommy.
I should have known.

I should have saved you...

I'm sorry Mommy.

I shouldn't have let you save yourself.
PLEASE READ, THANK YOU!

My mother attempted suicide last winter. I remember it so clearly it's as if it was yesterday.

Fortunately, she ended up fine. She still suffers from depression, though.

This was written to express what I may have felt if she DIDN'T end up okay. :/

Thanks for reading. <3 Love you all.

Please like my facebook for more poetry, for pictures, to chat with me or... y'know, just to stalk me :) hehe. www.facebook.com/pages/Mikki-M…
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:iconbdancinjones:
On this website, certain themes are overly common. The "someone I know is suicidal" theme is amongst those. While that doesn't mean it can't be done, it does mean I need some more details before I feel anything. This poem lacks details. "I should have seen straight through [the lies]," "I should have known better," "I should have known," "I should have saved you," "I shouldn't have let you save yourself." These lines get tired and repetitive. This piece needs details. Perhaps "I noticed the number of pills; you said they were prescriptions for your liver," or "I wish I'd seen the rope," or whatever the accurate details may be for your case.

On a similar note, I would suggest adding some elements besides "I'm sorry," something that describes exactly how you'd miss your mother had she not ended up fine. The dynamic of having both could (potentially) be very powerful.

I understand that such an event should be very traumatic, and please understand that I don't mean to belittle those emotions. My point is not that they don't exist, my point is that you didn't convey them. You feel something powerful; make me feel it, too. When I read a piece like this, I want, if only for a moment, to feel like I am in your shoes. And that requires details. Details are your friend.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
20 out of 21 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconamberamuawesome:
I feel that this poem had a lot of feeling that wasn't able to be shown that well because of how generic it seemed to me, but I could definitely tell that the person experiencing this was heartbroken and felt like it was all their fault. I understand you were putting this poem through a child's eyes like you usually do in the other wok I've seen of yours, but I feel like this poem would've had a lot more impact if you just told it through your point of view, not someone else's. You may have felt that a child's look on things would be more expressive, but I believe that just saying how you really felt with no fiction would be more effective on the audience, as well as making you feel a bit better letting it out if you haven't already. If there was anything specific that your mother did that really made you feel empty, broken, or whatever feeling, then you should put that into words. Usually when a poet gets specific about what happened if it was non-fiction, the audience can feel the feelings you felt a little bit, if not completely. The more specific and real you get, the more people will feel it, at least in my opinion. Because of how much you used the same words, to me it lost some of its meaning as I read the poem. Instead of using the same word, why not try using a different word with the same meaning? If you don't want to do that, then instead of using the sentence "I should have known you were lying", you could make it a question, such as "Why could I see through your facade?"

These are all just my opinions, so if anyone gets offended then I am truly sorry. I know that what you have gone through was very painful, so I am only trying to help your writing express that pain. I'm not saying I'm an expert, because I am far from it, but since I am a part of the audience I think it would be good feedback for you. I hope you keep writing because I am a fan! :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.

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:icondreamingdays:
beautifully written
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:iconsiredmond477:
This is very beautiful
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:icontracystromberg:
TracyStromberg Aug 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Awww! That made me sad. :( But it was still awesome.
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:iconxdarkshadows:
xDarkShadows Aug 30, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Aw, I'm Sorry, I Really Hope She's Okay, Stay Positive! :tighthug:
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:icongothfoxgirl:
omg never let her commit suicide no matter how depressed. Let her know that u need her and if she is gone u will be sad and depressed. Give her a reason to live if u already do keep enforcing it. No one should go thru the grief of loosing a loved one to depression and suicide. I once had those thoughts butt hought of those around me and my friends and family. What sadness they would feel. And if ur mother tries again and u stop her remind her how much she is loved and would cause much sadness and pain if she would kill herself. :'(
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:iconstephnie829:
Good pix! Are you aware relax knowing download photoshop CC totally free at: artsoftwarefree.blogspot. com
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:iconstellastarfish:
StellaStarfish Aug 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is very well written, i hate to think of anyone having to go through what you described, but it is a sad reality in this world. You really touched my heart with this one :heart:
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:iconferretgirl87:
ferretgirl87 Aug 28, 2013  Hobbyist Artist

wow... i don't even know what to say.... are you ok?

 

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:icongoldengeminian:
GoldenGeminian Aug 28, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
While I agree with the critique, this poem impacted me quite strongly because of my relationship with my own mother. I think it depends on relatability. I think there's a lot of potential here.
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:iconmack0312:
mack0312 Aug 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Strongly written.  I'm sorry that had to happen, but it's good that she's okay now, and I hope she overcomes her depression soon :)
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