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Submitted on
February 22, 2013
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Shh.
They're listening.
Look behind you.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
In again.
Faster.
Faster.
Stop.
"Are you okay?"
I'm dying.
"I'm fine."

Shapes, forms, bodies, animals, plants
Shifting, moving, being
Watching
Staring.
"What's wrong with you?"
Everything.
"Nothing."

Freak.
You're a freak.
No one wants you.
You should kill yourself, let them out of their misery
Do it
Quick.
Now.
Or we'll do the job for you.

"You're crazy."
I know.
"They're fake, you know."
No they're not.
"What are you doing?"
I'm shaking.
I'm dying.
This is how I live.

Save me
Save me, from the monsters, the shadows
Save me

"What can I do?"
You can stop.
You can stop being ignorant
Evil
Cruel.

..."Nothing."
<3 i'm so sorry if it's inaccurate.. I really do apologize...
please comment and critique! :)
Add a Comment:
 
:iconpeaceofthemoon:
I think you did a pretty good job on the description of the hallucinations; it matches the descriptions my Mom (Mastersdegreeinpsychology) and the DSM IV TR have given. Now that I've covered the -what I think is- accuracy; I believe you could have done better with the imagery. You use a lot of generalizations, which we all know is a very dangerous thing to do in poetry if the generalizations are -exactly- what we need. So I advise you to try and elaborate on the hallucinations and the feeling of not being understood because of ignorance. Maybe you need to try to immerse yourself deeper into the schizophrenics point of view. That'll boost vision and impact.
Now on the grammar, I notice you're using capitals at the beginning of every line. That's sorta okay because you're using punctation, but some lines are the continuation of the last. Which means you don't have to capitalize the beginning of every line. (It's okay, I have the same problem) Now, if you don't want to worry about the capitalization and punctation, do nothing but make sure the spelling is okay and the flow on paper(webpage) too. That'll boost technique.
I do wonder what or who you are writing this for. Is it a loved one? A friend? Or something you've noticed and have a problem with?
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
12 out of 14 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconmelodygirl74:
Melodygirl74 Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
save me
Reply
:icondahmii:
dahmii Featured By Owner May 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
deep
Reply
:iconcaro-kitty:
Caro-Kitty Featured By Owner May 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Very powerful. I loved it.
Reply
:iconmiyu713:
miyu713 Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is stunning poem! You did a wonderful job!
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! <3
Reply
:iconelizabeth-r-12345:
Elizabeth-R-12345 Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Great job~I think this was very well written, but I imagine, in the 4th stanza, the last line, putting "I'm living" in instead of 'This is how I live' would fit there better. As in, this is how I'm living or basically substituting as just another saying of 'This is how I live'. That's just me though. Again, great job~!
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thanks so much for the critique :)
Reply
:iconelizabeth-r-12345:
Elizabeth-R-12345 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No problem. :)
Reply
:iconserenenighingale:
SereneNighingale Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Student General Artist
Your poem actually captured my thoughts. I looked at this and I was wondering what you were doing in my mind, stealing my words.

People sometimes don't seem to understand and they brush it off as an "over-active imagination" or as stress. Of course, there are other odd things occurring at the same time since all of this started, and it involves my close friends. I told them, a few were skeptical, others understood.

What really pisses me off is when people think that I'm doing it for attention. When they face the terror I face every night when the shadows morph their way around my room, teasing me, taunting me, they can put their input on it.

/end rant

Sorry about that. ^_^" Good poem. Hit a few heartstrings of mine.
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm sorry :( thank you so much though!!
Reply
:iconserenenighingale:
SereneNighingale Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Student General Artist
You're welcome.
Reply
:iconmarmarxx:
Marmarxx Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013
Whether this is accurate or not, it doesn't really matter to me because I still think it's very nicely written, and you should be proud of anything you write! :) x
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Aw thank you hun! <3
Reply
:icononceuponbonyknees:
OnceUponBonyKnees Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Yeah, this is very inaccurate. All of your poems are extremely angst-y and stereotypical beyond belief. Why people think this is good and accurate is beyond me. Everyone has their interpretations of the illness, but this goes beyond that belief and stereotypes the media portray which are highly false. Above that, you act like everyone is against you. They are not. From my experience with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, most people are saddened by it. You need to grow up.
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I wrote this about my personal experience from MY disorder, which is not schizophrenia, but rather, bipolar disorder with psychotic features. i just somewhat exaggerated it. My apologies :(
Reply
:iconpalesile:
palesile Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Dear, you really need to be open to the criticism being given to you because it can really help you in the end. You cannot ask for comments and critique if you're not going to take any of it in. And I know you're not considering your critiques because you get on the defense in your responses and THEN go and post the same exact shit with a different title. I know getting sooo many comments about how "wonderful this poem is" must feel awesome but don't you realize that your audience is a bunch of pre-teens who probably don't know any better.

You have the idea right of these disorders but again all your providing is stereotypical bull at a 4th grade reading level. You have some talent but you're using it to write crap for attention and it's bad, honey. It's not good. You can do better than this!

There is no feeling. It's just generalized. There's no connection... its bull. And I don't want to hear you say this is from your personal experience again because if it really was you'd have something a lot deeper. This is... I can't.

Please do me a favor and take a look at these and try to think of what they have that yours don't.

[link]

[link]
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'll probably get better in the future.
Please consider the fact that I AM thirteen and literally have no idea how to write something other than what I've written before.
Thank you, again, but please don't say I don't consider my critiques.
Reply
:iconpalesile:
palesile Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
"I'll probably get better in the future." Only if you actually try.

Age has nothing to do with it. I knew better than to just generalize at thirteen so it's very clearly attention seeking. In the past two days I've seen you post three? four? of the same exact thing with a different title. I'm only trying to help you better yourself because you're driving actual artists here completely mad.

If you actually did consider your critiques you'd try something different.
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Okay, I'm a very kind person.
But I'm getting sick of this "you're an attention seeker" stuff.
I write things that people can relate to.
I have attempted different things, but i don't post them because i don't like them.
I do consider my critiques.
*sigh* thank you though, i understand what you're saying.
Reply
:iconpalesile:
palesile Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
But we're being realistic with you. You don't write things people can relate to. There is no feeling or connection. I'm not gonna baby you. If you're sick of people telling you that it's attention seeking then let me tell you we're equally sick of seeing this BS. If you've attempted other things you should post just one of them and see what the reaction is. If it sucks then writing is not your thing and you need to stop pretending that this is heartfelt art and stop posting it. Find a different medium. Because I can show you what heartfelt is. This is far from it.
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Dear, i'd love to sit here and argue with you (actually no i wouldn't because i don't argue) but I don't write to please you or the other haters. :)
goodbye, it was nice meeting you and getting to know you :)
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconsomelamestuff:
SomeLameStuff Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's actually not too far off =S I do feel a tad bit uneasy now...

Well done anyway!
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much!! <3
Reply
:iconsilencedbook9:
Silencedbook9 Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Student Writer
Need a hug?
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Haha sure :)
Reply
:iconsilencedbook9:
Silencedbook9 Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Student Writer
*hugs you*
Reply
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