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Submitted on
February 22, 2013
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Shh.
They're listening.
Look behind you.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
In again.
Faster.
Faster.
Stop.
"Are you okay?"
I'm dying.
"I'm fine."

Shapes, forms, bodies, animals, plants
Shifting, moving, being
Watching
Staring.
"What's wrong with you?"
Everything.
"Nothing."

Freak.
You're a freak.
No one wants you.
You should kill yourself, let them out of their misery
Do it
Quick.
Now.
Or we'll do the job for you.

"You're crazy."
I know.
"They're fake, you know."
No they're not.
"What are you doing?"
I'm shaking.
I'm dying.
This is how I live.

Save me
Save me, from the monsters, the shadows
Save me

"What can I do?"
You can stop.
You can stop being ignorant
Evil
Cruel.

..."Nothing."
<3 i'm so sorry if it's inaccurate.. I really do apologize...
please comment and critique! :)
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:iconpeaceofthemoon:
I think you did a pretty good job on the description of the hallucinations; it matches the descriptions my Mom (Mastersdegreeinpsychology) and the DSM IV TR have given. Now that I've covered the -what I think is- accuracy; I believe you could have done better with the imagery. You use a lot of generalizations, which we all know is a very dangerous thing to do in poetry if the generalizations are -exactly- what we need. So I advise you to try and elaborate on the hallucinations and the feeling of not being understood because of ignorance. Maybe you need to try to immerse yourself deeper into the schizophrenics point of view. That'll boost vision and impact.
Now on the grammar, I notice you're using capitals at the beginning of every line. That's sorta okay because you're using punctation, but some lines are the continuation of the last. Which means you don't have to capitalize the beginning of every line. (It's okay, I have the same problem) Now, if you don't want to worry about the capitalization and punctation, do nothing but make sure the spelling is okay and the flow on paper(webpage) too. That'll boost technique.
I do wonder what or who you are writing this for. Is it a loved one? A friend? Or something you've noticed and have a problem with?
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
12 out of 14 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconmelodygirl74:
Melodygirl74 Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
save me
Reply
:icondahmii:
dahmii Featured By Owner May 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
deep
Reply
:iconcaro-kitty:
Caro-Kitty Featured By Owner May 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Very powerful. I loved it.
Reply
:iconmiyu713:
miyu713 Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is stunning poem! You did a wonderful job!
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! <3
Reply
:iconelizabeth-r-12345:
Elizabeth-R-12345 Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Great job~I think this was very well written, but I imagine, in the 4th stanza, the last line, putting "I'm living" in instead of 'This is how I live' would fit there better. As in, this is how I'm living or basically substituting as just another saying of 'This is how I live'. That's just me though. Again, great job~!
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thanks so much for the critique :)
Reply
:iconelizabeth-r-12345:
Elizabeth-R-12345 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No problem. :)
Reply
:iconserenenighingale:
SereneNighingale Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Student General Artist
Your poem actually captured my thoughts. I looked at this and I was wondering what you were doing in my mind, stealing my words.

People sometimes don't seem to understand and they brush it off as an "over-active imagination" or as stress. Of course, there are other odd things occurring at the same time since all of this started, and it involves my close friends. I told them, a few were skeptical, others understood.

What really pisses me off is when people think that I'm doing it for attention. When they face the terror I face every night when the shadows morph their way around my room, teasing me, taunting me, they can put their input on it.

/end rant

Sorry about that. ^_^" Good poem. Hit a few heartstrings of mine.
Reply
:iconmikkimarie:
MikkiMarie Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm sorry :( thank you so much though!!
Reply
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